No, no, no! It’s actually because you’re the skankass panty-christ.

With your movie Glitter you reached the low-point of your career. The Glitter album flopped. What went wrong?

MARIAH: Glitter was ahead of its time – today it’s ‘in’ to make 80’s music. But the timing was bad – I released it around September 11 2001. The talk shows needed something to distract from 9/11. I became a punching bag. I was so successful that they tore me down because my album was at number 2 instead of number 1. The media was laughing at me and attacked me.


The Heartbreaker video really stands out in my mind as the moment when Mariah really went too far. Sure, lots of people writhe around practically naked, but something about the way Mariah does it is really, uh, lubricated. And even the “woooos” in the song are slippery.

For one micro-moment I felt bad for Mariah. My friend Heather and I were at the gym when one of her songs came on the gym’s satellite radio system. We promptly made fun of her but then as the jokes got greasier, we felt feminist guilt and discussed Mariah as the victim.

I can’t speak for Heather, but I’m over it now. Mariah’s a vapid waste-cake.

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