Things have gone downhill since getting married. I don’t care about personal hygiene the way I used to. That’s not to say I only shower and floss for Saturday night lovin’ – it’s not really that extreme.
It’s all in the details.
I really noticed it at the gym this past Thursday evening. There I am getting changed, about to tackle my second cycling class, which BTW, I refuse to call spinning. I haven’t taken one of those classes until now because I hate that term. What a dumbass pansy name, but I finally gave in.
So I’m there pretty much alone, pulling my pants off and not really thinking much of it. In waltzes a very attractive woman, say 55ish. She’s precisely dressed (must be a Virgo), super fit and awfully friendly and inviting. Mom-vibe fills the room and I’m suddenly stuck holding an extra large slice of self-consciousness.
I survey myself and what I discover makes me shrivel in shame.
* the seams are shredded on either side of my underwear, both barely held together by the top and bottom elastics
* the underwear itself is probably from 1989, the giveaway being white cotton daintily decorated with red flowers (hi, I’m 14)
* the armpits of my gym t-shirt are totally yellowed despite the fact that it’s just clean from the wash
* the armpits are not only yellow, but also hosting some weird baked-in pit-juice buildup, consistent to something I can only call dry paste (deodorant layer cake?)
* my gym socks boast these totally fashionable fishnet-like ventilation systems at the toes and heels (not quite holes yet)
* said gym socks are not quite white, not quite grey, both looking like they’re ready to retire to the land of the blue hair
I threw those socks out today, I had to get one last wear out of them before putting them to rest.
What an overall mess. Now, I don’t think the gym is the place for a fashion show (oh god… listen to that mother-chatter) but I do think I gotta get me some pride in the basics – clean, functional, non-bacteria laden socks and underwear.
Gym mom, I’ll change my ways. You’ll see, I’ll make you proud.