The first time I ever set foot inside an Ikea was about five years ago. The Huz and I’d just moved in together and that’s what you do when you move into a new pad: you go to Ikea. Possibly sad, but undeniably true. Ikea.
Well, being he knew I’d never been exposed to the “allen key experience”, he was a tad apprehensive about us going. Yes, our ba-donk-a-donk was strong and our blasters set for fun but none of that gooey stuff matters at Ikea. Really, who needs love when you can have bibbi snurr bed textiles, granat cushions and irma throws to cuddle with at night?
His instincts were right, within moments of exiting the escalator I was wide-eye with consumer lust and ready to buy it all. I’m not certain how what happened next transpired exactly, but we were able to keep things on track by acting out a little scene from Vincent Gallo’s film Buffalo 66. After Gallo kidnaps Christina Ricci from her dance class and convinces her to pretend to be his wife, they go to a photo booth to document proof of their love: he says, “look like we like each other. We span time as a couple. We’re spanning time, we’re in love. Look like you like me. We’re in love, we’re spanning time.”
“Spanning time. We’re spanning time. Spaaaaannnnning time.”
These words saved us at Ikea and they’ve since come to have much meaning in our lives: “Forget it. That’s ugly. I’d rather name our first-born Winnifred. I’d rather have a hot curling iron shoved up my arse.” You get it.
Despite being true, this whole big story was just a vehicle to tell you about this awesome web site the Huz tipped me off on – ikeahacker.blogspot.com (Truthfully, I had also planned to prolong this whole exercise by posting a YouTube link to the “spanning time” scene from Buffalo 66, but that arrogant fuck Gallo made a copyright claim so it’s no longer available. I thought you should know what a prick he is. But don’t let that stop you from seeing Buffalo 66, it’s good.)
ikeahacker.blogspot.com!! It’s so genius! I wish I was half as smart as the person who had this brain fart.
Check this out:
Something for the kitties too: