Dear Toilet Top Tinkler,



At our mutual place of work, I have a favourite washroom stall that I like to practise peeing into – second one from the left if you’re facing the sinks.

I have a hunch that it’s your favourite stall as well and I’d like to talk to you about it. I think you need more practise or something.

Some days are frantic. I run from meeting to meeting into a lunch meeting only to face an afternoon of more meetings. I simply don’t have time to inspect the toilet seat prior to a transaction. Do you know where I’m going with this? Does it need to be so forwardly addressed?

To me, work is a clean and pretty safe place. Maybe if I were needing to make a deposit at the Eaton Centre, I’d consider the erroneous squat’n’totter – but at work! No ma’am. I know the folks I work with well enough. I don’t mind that their bums have touched the seat I’m sitting on. It’s just a bum. And truthfully, even if some of them are the slutty girls we secretly wish we were, it’s doubtful that any of that sexiness will make the improbable journey from their bathing suit parts, to the toilet, to your bum. I’m positive it doesn’t work like that. So I don’t mind.

But what I do mind, what I very much do mind, is this: sitting on the toilet at our mutual place of work, second one from the left if you’re facing the sinks, only to realise that you’ve been there moments ago. It’s not long until I recognise that familiar wetness against my once clean bum and I feel anguish, knowing that when I stand the air will affirm the degree of wet – clammy or soused. I can only hope for clammy, but even then, it’s hardly consolation now that I know my underpants must mop up this mess. And then I think about my jeans – surely they’ll rub up against the parts of my bum that my panties do not. They’ll be contaminated now too. But I just did laundry…

Do you see how your imprudence quickly turns my world upside down?

Did you ever see the movie Falling Down?

Yours truly,
Lily Dustbin

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I (heart) My Vagina too.



“We support free speech, but when it does infringe on other people’s rights and our school policies, then we need to take a look at that.”

I love that kind of logic. You’re free as long as your thoughts are conformist and you don’t offend the majority or make them uncomfortable. Some Americans drive me bananas.

This week’s sad and pathetic moron of the week award goes to Nancy Wondrasch, principal of Winona Senior High School in Winona, Minnestoa. She’s responsible for that dough-head quote.

The statement was made in response to questions about her school’s decision to expel students who choose to wear “I (Heart) My Vagina” buttons/t-shirts to class.

It all started after Carrie Rethlefsen saw a performance of the play “The Vagina Monologues”. Inspired and wanting to draw awareness to violence against women, she and a friend wore buttons to school that read: “I [heart] My Vagina.”

In an interview with the StarTribune, Carrie said, “The principal said that by wearing the pin, I was giving people wrong ideas, that I was giving an open invitation [to guys].”

No one has quite been able to extract from Wondrasch exactly what those “wrong ideas” are, or precisely what the offense is at all.

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Tatad’s rockin’ the vote



I’ve discovered the mecca of lame-ass banner ads, rockthevote.ca

rockthevote.gif

“Rock the Vote encourages young people to create positive social and political change in their lives and communities through awareness and action.” However, before you can do all that, you must get pierced and pissed off. In that order.

When are we going to treat youth with respect and dignity?

Not until we hit rock bottom. According to the comment spam Darren Little kindly left today, rockthevote just signed a deal with Tatad. Tatad connects those offering permanent advertising space on their bodies to companies/organisations willing to pay for that space. Darren malfunctions during the day as Tatad’s CEO and amazingly, the dude can sleep at night. Good for him.

Thankfully, rockthevote.ca is hardly a force in Canada. Generally, we only see the US spillover from the .com and you’ll find that if you compare the two. The majority of the Canadian content is pure lip service.

We have a more thoughtful organisation called “Rush The Vote” which seems to actually care about youth action in Canada and its strong connections to global human rights, art, environment and community.

Still, that doesn’t mean I want to see “Rush The Vote” inked permanently on any kid’s skin… or a Liberal party logo.

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When words kill…



Sitting in a meeting this week discussing a summer project in which teens are the customary victims of our marketing love, I hear these words: “we’d like to euthanize this event”.

I think poor kids, but sure… them, this event and you too!

Of course the word intended is youthanize, a neologism to add to the list, just like impactful or synergize. Impactful is the one that makes me cringe the most, I can’t stand that word. In my copywriting days in radio, my boss would use it every day to coach me and describe the right approach to writing radio spots. Aurgh!

My favourite definition of neologism is #2, from Merriam-Webster:

Main Entry: ne·ol·o·gism
Function: noun
1 : a new word, usage, or expression
2 : a word coined by a psychotic that is meaningless except to the      coiner

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Your future husband is a nudist cult doctor!



I have a new obsession with these novelty cards… as seen in a penny arcade machine, circa 1935.

husband.gif

Your future wife is here.

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